from inside The Shema Movement-my co-founders view’s Neighborhood

Back from the Underground

Currently The Official LSAT SuperPrep By Law School Admission Council see related Back from the Underground I hope I don't ever completely lose my desire to blog. I always want to pour out my heart to you all on this thing, but I get lazy or unmotivated and I just stop writing. I know I should not be like this but its just...I dunno. Maybe its because I have been speaking my heart to God and friends around me, and I just don't feel the need to want to air out my emotions. Well, either way...I am just certain that God is working in my life and I am thankful. - I just received some of my first LSAT material in the mail, and I am going to thumb through it now. - I hope your V-Day was memorable. I had a good time with my Brown! I took him to get a pedicure and a manicure. LOL! Now Brown has pretty feet. - I know I was supposed to expound on my 2009 mantra. I will. I just need for my computer's charger cord to come in the mail. One of the reasons I have been MIA, is that my laptop's cord has shorted. The other reason is that I have been fasting. Spending less time on the computer, and more time with God and friends and family. It was worth it. - I sing for a group now. Rayna Sharpe & The Remnant. It's an honor and a privilege. Sometimes I feel like I should not tell people. I just don't want them to get the idea that I think I am "somebody". I am glad the woman thought that my voice was half way decent enough to be on the same stage as her. Really. In some NYC ministry circles she's a big deal and has great accolades. I know some people seemed to act adversely when I told them I sing with her. This is why I didn't share with the whole world when I first started singing with her in the first place. I know I really shouldn't care, and I know its hard to avoid it... people are always going to talk. Might as well give them something good. - I also am named ChairSister for The Topaz Club, NYC Branch. TTC is basically a support group/network for women who are of partial African-American (Afro-Caribbean, Afro-Latino, African) descent - in combination with other heritages.This should be exciting, seeing this would be a way for me to connect with mixed women and share struggles and encourage each other. I am excited, as you can probably tell. - Pray for me yall! I interviewed somewhere, and I have a strong feeling that they really, really like me. That's all I am going to say for now. - WordUpFM is no more, as of now. Pray for Joe and I as we try to work out another venue. - I realize that God had to strip me down to nothing, to a nobody so He can raise me up to be somebody. More on this later, along with the 2009 mantra. - I just finished reading Illuminati 666 Book 2 by William J. Sutton. I swear the only thing scary about this book is the title. It was my first time reading Seventh Day Adventist literature, as most mainstream Christian lit comes out of the Bapti-Costal (Baptist/Pentecostal) and Non-Denominational circut. Their doctrine is interesting, and I respect it. A lot of what he discussed I knew already, because of study and school and my childhood-adolessent facination with Revelation and prophecy. Some of it toward the end, however, did not seem Biblical on any level and I just ignored it (at least in my understanding). Overall it was a decent book. I do not recommend it for people who have no knowledge of near eastern (anchient middle east) religions or history in general. Its loaded with facts and will bore you to tears if you do not understand. Aside from the fact that I would not reccommend it to people who aren't well versed in Biblical knowledge, one needs to decipher what is applicable to their own lives in accordance to scripture. - Now I am reading The King Is Coming by Harold L. Willmington, who is Pentecostal. I read this book about three times when I was in high school and junior high. I tell you one of my hugest facinations as a child was eschatology, or the study of the end times. At the age of eight, I read the entire book of Revelation. It was the first book I read in its entirety, and I read it about eight times, or more. Anyway, I am re-reading this book just to compare how Pentecostalism tackles the topic. It's good refresher for me. - I also finished No One Belongs Here More Than You - Stories By Miranda July. It was one of the sickest, well not sickest, but weird as ever, books I have ever read. Man. Depressiopn and trechery and melencholy at its best. I mean, it was well written. But it was CREEPY. Very. Not good for those who want to keep their minds sanctified. - More books to follow. I did try earnestly to read Kill All Your Friends by John Niven but I can't take its racist interjections, and English (as in the UK) colloquialisms. *sigh* Anyway, I am reading the book of Job, and I am so annoyed at his friends (I am up to the part where they go on for chapters and chapters about how Job is the worst ever, and I can't take it). I told God that I rather not read it, but I realized for my own good that I better, LOL. - When and if I decide to write my autobiography, its going to be a collection of witty and sarcastic snippets of my life. Not some long, drawn-out, inspirational, white wash. Nope. You guys are going to get the real deal, but only in small doses. Ha. - WHAT IS GOING ON AT CAPITAL HILL?! *sigh* Pray for President Obama. Please. I see a hot mess coming quick fast and in a hurry. - So this ends my resurgence. I finally did get on a roll with this blog. I think my initial apprehension is just pure laziness afterall. Be blessed. -©D

Facebook has this survey epidemic occurring where multiple people are posting "25 things about me" or 15 things, 16 things, 5 things, 12 things about someone else, etc.

I think the increase of people being home due to job loss or inability to get a job, creates reasoning to waste time to post about such randomness.I think I was tagged about ten times before I responded. Really. I am losing motivation to blog again. I think partly because I fell into a rut of depression after my birthday week.

My birthday = One Hot Mess.

In a nut shell, all my plans were either completely trashed or they were put on hold, I got into a bunch of arguments, was hoodwinked out of $125 for my hair only to have it break off, and having to go to someone else to cut it off and treat it. Now my hair is on my shoulders.

Blah. I was so positive, and it ended up a hot mess. Not doing birthdays anymore.

So, ANYWAY, below is my list of 46 Randoms. 46 randoms, because I put my list of 25 (read 30) and 16 together for this post. Enjoy.
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I attempted to do this about three or four times, and I just could not do it. I had no motivation. I don't know what I could possibly say about myself that all of you do not already know, but Ima give it a whirl.


1. My Birthday was on the same day as the presidential inauguration, which was also 5 days after MLK's actual birthday.
2. My siblings are born approximately 7 & 8 years after I was born.
3. I love to dance, but can't. LOL. Well, I can dance a lil' reggae.
4. I am a first generation Guyanese-American. My Parents and Grandparents were born in Guyana, My great grand parents were actually born and raised in India & Europe (and Maybe Africa).
5. I LOVE Chicken.
6. When I was five I witnessed to my kindergarten teachers (who were Jewish, but I didn't know it) about Jesus, and they were pleasantly surprised, and called other teachers in the room to listen to me.
7. I learned to read around the ages of 3 or 4.
8. I have over 15 ministers in my family, including my father.
9. I have a sister who has been the valedictorian of everything. :)
10. I wrote my first book when I was 8. It was a mystery novel.
11. I met Hillary Clinton when I was 17 years old. She came to speak at my high school.
12. I got my first piercing (ears) when I was 21. Second hole the year following.
13. I wore skirts everyday until I was in the 5th grade.
14. Believe it or not in High School people could not pronounce my name for nothing. And I mean my first one. I don't know. Hooked on phonics did not work for them. They called me Ladonya. WHO is that? My name was broken down with a space in the middle for special people like them. La and Donna, why can't people get that. So especialmente.

15. I come from a family of cryers. The women on my mother's side of the family are so sensitive, we cry at movies, cartoons, sad songs, onions, ugly people, etc.! I bare that quality immensely. Ask Brown.
16. I went on my first date when I was 23 Years old! :)

17. I am mixed. I am Indian (as opposed to Native American), Portuguese, and Black. People always ask me what I am, and when I tell them they NEVER believe me. Or they tell me something like, you just black. Inside I am like LOL because clearly I am more Indian than anything else (I am half), it just chooses not to show it self physically and the combination really does make me look more Latina than anything else. I wrote a blog about my racial frustration. You can read it here. http://supermodellos.blogspot.com/2008/09/thing-about-my-race.html

18. I am Christian, for real. I love Jesus and I do not like to play games with my salvation, and neither should you.

19. I am Greek, as in I joined a Sorority. I know that was probably the most unlikely thing that I could have ever done, seeing how individualistic I really am, but I did. I'm happy. ANQ 4 life.

20. I sing in a group! First time in my whole life! Big ups to Rayna and The Remnant! <3 I love yall already!

21. I do not look my age. EVER. I always look 5 - 10 years younger pending on how I am dressed and how I am wearing my hair.

22. I am struggling with getting my license because I am scared to death. I was getting better when my friend was giving me free lessons with her driving instructor car, but she had some family problems and said she would get back to me, but its February and I can't play anymore games with this. I am taking matters into my own hands.

23. I believe in the power of the side hustle. I have two and I am about to get a third one. The economy is tough and I rather make a little money than none at all.

24 I can't spell, even if you paid me.

25. Ironically, I am an awesome writer. I am a beast. I used to edit EVERYONE's papers when I was in school. Even my mothers.

26. I am finally studying to take the LSAT. Hopefully I get in a class for the March time period. I have to call my connects.

27. I love free stuff. And deals. I bought a pair of white pumps yesterday for $3.14, and they're fierce.

28. I always give friends second and third and fiftieth chances to mess up, piss me off, etc. But when I draw the line, that is it. It's over.

29. My anger takes on an alter ego. My friends dubbed her the DragonLady. I hope you never meet her.

30. I love to give! Love, love, love to help others. I hope in need, I receive that help.

31. I used to suffer from severe depression, but with Jesus' help, I have come out of it, and am making an uphill climb. Sometimes I will have a relapse, but I fight it, because I realize I have a reason to live.

32. I have developed a new love for sushi. I adore it, and I am completely addicted.

33. I am totally in love with my Brown. Love you Joe! <3 It will be four years this June.

34. I am a Bible nerd. I love stuff about the Bible and facts about the Christian world.

35. I am a trivia nerd in general, but I am attracted to very niche stuff like secret societies and fraternities and biblical and religious history. I try to research every religion and denomination so I can have some basic information.

36. I love Asian cuisine, except Chinese. Which is funny and ironic, because I loved it when I was a teen. I can do some Chinese food, but not much. And I hate Chinese buffets.

37. I can be very critical of myself and others.

38. I have been blogging since I was 21 years old. I started on my actual birth date. Therefore I have been blogging for six years exactly. Yes, I have saved and documented my archives.

39. My oldest friends are in this order: Delliz, Steve V., Shavaisia, Steff, Colletta, Jose, Steve, Erica, Kelly. But these people, I don't even consider friends, they are more like family and additional sibs. Sisters and brothers from other mothers. The majority can come up in my house at any time and eat and chill for late hours or spend the night. Steve V, Steff and Erica, for some strange reason you haven't been to my house! We need to change that!

40. I am loyal to a fault. Don't mess with my friends.

41. Even though I am loyal, I am very honest.

42. (Breaking the cut off point, I know I am on a roll) I have already planned who my bridesmaids are. And its an obscenely large number.

43. I love my Sorors! And the ones I am closest to know who they are!

44. When I was younger I had a very hard time speaking up for myself, and I don't know or remember what transitioned that behavior, but I am sure it had to do with high school. I used to get picked on a lot, and I just got mad and breathed hot fire on a few people. I also remember fighting, I got into a lot of fights...with boys.

45. Though my life events are not all the greatest, I love them and can finally embrace them. They make me who I am, and who I will become.

46. It has always been spoken into my life that I will become great, by great people. Because of that, I know its God's doing in my life, and I look to Him for the change.


Feel free to do it and post your version of 25, 16, or 46.

That's it. I love y'all!

-©D

Sisters from the Heart pt.3

Oh and I am realizing this the hardest of hard ways.

It's so hard for me to believe that some of the people I spent the most intimate of times with, are now disconnected. The three strand chord is tied so tightly, but the forth strand has mysteriously loosened from the chord and is now flailing in the wind. No one knows how this forth strand has unraveled, maybe because it was not woven in so tightly in the first place. But there it goes, carried off by the wind, and when it is found it is forced to have to hold things together all on its own.

Maybe its not so bad after all. The fourth strand can prove it self worthy by holding together something great all on its own. Maybe its not all that bad that the fourth strand has been separated, maybe now its better because the fourth strand must work on being a chord all of its own.

What do I mean by all this metaphor?

However it happened, its not too sure. However it is realized that some people are much father from me than I honestly wanted to realize.

It's probably not so important to you, but more important for me to release and analyze. I have been observing things recently, that just grabbed my attention and forced me to realize. The objects in the mirror are much further than they appear. So its best that I not look so hard, look so hard to be a part of something so intricate, when I am a part of something bigger than myself. That I am a part of God, who is so powerful and all consuming and should envelope me into His awesomeness and dissolve myself into nothing...so I can truly be a part of Him.

I'm just not going to try anymore. I am my own person but my individuality is not consumed by other persons, but by God Himself.

Would I love to be close to all my sisters in Christ? Absolutely. I would love to be close to all my sisters, especially my biological sister (in which I may add, that our relationship is getting better slowly). However, I realize that sometimes its just not possible.

I am still learning how to relate to women of all kinds, I may not know what to say or how to act, but know when I do it, it is done with a pure heart toward God.

This is something I wanted to address without really addressing it.

side bar...I heart my Alumni sisters. You all have just been coming through for me, even when I didn't know I needed you to.

-©D

Brown's Blog http://thinkinglikeaboss.blogspot.com/ <<< so my Brown broke down and got a blog. Read it and leave a comment. It will be good for him to continue to write. Yay! -©D

Excitement There has just been SO much happening: - I was in Maryland celebrating 20 years of ANQ, I witnessed the Presidential Inauguration of our New President, met some of the founders of our Organization, and even had lunch with them. What a blessing. - I was in church with my Frat and Sorors, shouting and praising God. More than the congregants even. - A lot mixed emotions within me that weekend. I was however thankful for the preservation of our ministry for thus long. - The actual ball was interesting. I didn't like the food. Seasoning must be a requirement for these catering halls. I'm tired of the constant blandness they serve me. Maybe it's cause I am a West Indian and simply used to seasoned food. Visionary Founder, however was beautiful, dressed like the Queen she is. - Happy Birthday Jon V. Young! It was a blessing to celebrate with you this week. Celebrated my Fraternity Brother's Birthday two days in a row. Our election's outcome was such a present for him. - Several of my ANQ family crowded Malcolm's living room, glued to watching CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and NY1. When Obama was declared President Elect, we all cried and began praising God. Then we started laughing at all the hood dudes that were acting a fool in the streets of NYC. - I say to my white sisters and brothers who don't completely understand why we [people of color] are so excited about this decision, that go through history and put yourselves in the shoes of my ancestors. The ones who were denied, murdered, hosed down, set on fire, raped, hanged, lynched, and other treacherous means in this country, for a right to vote, a right to equality, a right to be recognized as a person. Barak Obama is a symbol of an uphill climb to winning the war of racial equality in every sector. I know that many of you do not realize, but in this day and age, I [along with many other people of color] am still not treated as your equal. Unite with us as we fight to destroy a fortress wall satan has built so high. - I finally love this country again. - My household is filled with republicans, democrats, independents, and even one liberaterian. Interesting isn't it? - I thank God that I was apart of this moment. That my children will have some precious heritage to glean from me. - The National Inauguration is on my birthday. Tickets to this event would be AWESOME as a gift. -©D

To All Those People To to all those people who hated me because of my ethnicity, questioned my existence and my legitimacy -- Look to my president. God Bless You President Barak Obama: First African, Black American, Biracial President of the United States. End Scene. -©D

I Feel Like...

I feel like the backslidden preacher's daughter in The Color Purple who was trying to show her father that she was getting her life together. Every time she tried to make an attempt to prove to her father that she was doing okay, her father ignored her and every attempt she made.

I just remember the scene when her father was driving down the street and she was trying to flag him down. Donning an engagement ring on her finger, waving it to him saying she was getting married. He paid her no mind and drove right past her. Watching that scene as a child branded an illusion in my mind, that sadly became a reality in my own life.

I backslid completely in the summer of 2005 (I was dipping in and out since 2000). Ironically, I led my best worship that May. I conducted worship in front of a 200 person crowd, and God really worked through me when I sang my lead with the choir later on that night. Many people came to me afterward and told me my voice was amazing and that I led great worship. If they only knew that mentally, I was failing. I was raped a second time and this time I told no one. Not until a year later, or even two years. I tried to cover it up with multiple activities. I never stayed home. Living at school, surrounding myself with friends and scholastic activities. I was on every minority group roster. Smiling brightly at everyone, standing as a strong cog in everyone's life. I did so well that semester when that dreadful event happened. B's and A's all around. The semester after, I fell apart. I got hit with so many sicknesses: bronchitis, IBS, Acid Reflux, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, amongst some others that I rather not list. I dropped thirty pounds, first by dieting, and then my just not eating. I was in so much physical pain, it was disgusting. I could barely walk anywhere without something hurting. I was doing A level at the begining of the semester, but by the end I was failing all of my exams. I only wore sweat pants and tee shirts. I stopped being pretty, I stopped being womanly. I stopped being me.

The more and more I got depressed, the more friends I lost. Most of my friends depended on me to hold them up, so when it was my turn, it turned into some really selfish thing where my friends could not handle it. They either stopped talking to me all together, or complained that they could not rely on me the way they used to. I used Xanga to vent a lot. I thought people didn't understand, and even though a lot of people didn't they tried to reach out. I lashed out heavily at my readers, and my 200+ subscription list got shorter and shorter.

And then there was church. Church. *sigh* At church I was the center of every wanton and unnecessary negative attention you could possibly imagine. I am one of the Pastor's daughters in a 500+ member church. I have thought I heard everything, when one of my best friends pulled me aside after I finished crying at the altar and told me people were spreading rumors that me and him were being "unholy" together, and "the source" of the rumors said I told them. I had just about had it. I could not even have a friend in that church, and it was really the straw that broke the camels back.

I don't remember how it all happened. It was a blur. I remember the last bit of energy I had left was poured into Joy Night of Spring 2005, into leading that worship. After that, I disintegrated completely. I just remember re-acquainting myself with my ex boyfriend. Yes, the horrible terrible ex-boyfriend of 2000 that I said I would NEVER speak to again. I could tell you I was losing it, cause I was talking to him way more than I should. I also remember I told my bishop and my father I was not going to do this church thing anymore. Their hearts were broken and their faces showed much remorse, but they knew that the church failed me. I was waving a white flag, and no one was there to save me. No one should feel like an enemy in their own home, church home for that matter. I was dying just with the shots fired from friendly fire alone.

They knew I turned to liquor and late nights. Coming into my house at three and four am, stumbling in drunk, my brother having to help me up the stairs some nights. It wasn't cute. I took a Sunday job, just so I would not have to go to church. And when the holiday season was over, I just stopped going. In the interim, I met Joseph, and for whatever reason he stayed with me despite my crazed state.

Fast forward to 2007. I graduated college, I made the dean's list two semesters in a row. (I really wish I had the same drive all my collegiate life) I had 4.0's both semesters. I had rededicated my life to Jesus, Joe did the same. I was working a good job at a marketing firm, I joined a Christian Sorority. I am ministering again after sitting down for six years, prophesying after shutting myself off from the voice of God for so long. I have cleaned my credit up and paid off all my bills. I am not 100% healthy, but I am much better than I have ever been, in my opinion. I finally have real friends that understand me and readily accept me and my faults. That give back to me. That allow me to be me. I may not have a job right now, but I am happier than I have ever been in any of my life.

I don't think my parents believe it. Every time I am out late, its because I am at some prayer meeting. Some gospel this or some ministry that. Sometimes it is because I am out on a date, but since Joe is so involved in ministry, we barely have those any more. You would think my parents would be excited. I come home and I tell my parents about it. Its like they don't even hear me. They stare blankly at the TV and say "okay La Donna", like I am a six year old holding a overly colored piece of construction paper, trying to show them my art work, and its the sixth time I brought them something within that hour. It's like they don't hear me.

They know I am brazen; if I want to do wrong I do it blatantly. But this time I am trying really hard. I want to live right. I want to please God. I want to prove to them that I am not the experiment that failed. It seems like every effort I have made to show them I am a decent woman has failed miserably. They don't even turn to hear what I am really saying. They respond as if what I am saying to them is just a bunch of baloney, made up nonsense I threw together to make them feel good. They respond as if I am telling them high school lies, while doing some major dirt behind their backs.They respond to me as if I'm not even here. They respond to me like I am that backslidden preacher's daughter in The Color Purple, waving her hand profusely, calling after her father, a man of the Cloth, trying to get his attention. They respond as he does, driving past her, not saying anything.

They just ignore me.

And it hurts.

-©D

The Peace of God

There is nothing like the peace of God in your life. Once you receive it, its like the world could be falling apart before your eyes and you're totally fine. Why? Because you're finally secure in the truism that God is in control.

This is where I am right now. I am finally here.

Thank You God for Florida. Really, I definately do thank you for that experience. Florida was awesome. <3 Pictures (all 5 albums worth) are on Facebook I hope you enjoy.

Below is a little blurb I wrote about the peace of God.

Greetings Sisters,

I pray sisters that you all walk with the King today & be a blessing. It is a Today I feel deep in my heart that we need to focus on the peace of God. There are a lot of things going on right now, that may cause some of you to have great unrest. The peace of God is available to you to receive that you may have clarity of thought and the understanding that God is here and will carry you through all of this.

1st Corinthians 14:31-33

"For ye may all prophesy one by one, that all may learn, and all may be comforted. And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets.For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints." - King James Version

"You can all prophesy one after the other. In this way all the people can be taught and encouraged.The spirits of prophets are under the control of the prophets themselves. God is not a God of confusion but a God of peace." - New Century Version

"For in this way you can give testimony [prophesying and thus interpreting the divine will and purpose] one by one, so that all may be instructed and all may be stimulated and encouraged; For the spirits of the prophets (the speakers in tongues) are under the speaker's control [and subject to being silenced as may be necessary],
For He [Who is the source of their prophesying] is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order. As [is the practice] in all the churches of the saints (God's people)" - Amplified Bible

For some of you, you may be hearing a lot of different "voices" in commentary to what you should do with your life, what decisions need to be made, how you should conduct yourself, a lot of things are pulling you either way, or you may have believed one thing about yourself all this time, but certain events that occur may change or affect that original view about yourself. It becomes daunting and confusing, and makes one very unsure about themselves and the original choices they may or may not have made. Despite all these different "voices" that may be pulling you either way, know that what God said about you prevails, and whatever confusion you may have about your self does not come from His word. His declarations about us concerning Him are clear and can always be matched up in His word.

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." -KJV

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." - Amplified

"God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control." - NCV

Philippians 4:7

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - KJV

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." - New Living Translation

"And God's peace [shall be yours, that [c]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall [d]garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Amplified

There are things that may be going on in your lives that you may not understand. It may seem really crazy, and does not make any sense. It may even scare you, but the word of God says here that His peace transcends every awkward feeling that we have.

During my time at convention, the unemployment office decided that they were not going to release my unemployment check until I came back from Florida (and they still haven't released it yet). I was really upset because I wanted to help with the vacation expenses by paying for some of the meals Joe and I ate. I wanted to assist with the flight extension costs, I wanted to help with something. I didn't like the idea that he was paying for everything and I just sat there and received. Stressed and frustrated, I sat during the grand sessions. As we were praying for Visionary Founder, Founding President Doral R. Pulley made an announcement. He said to us that as we prayed for Vis' needs to be met, God will meet our needs also. That was so profound to me, and I received it. Later that evening we called the airport to extend our flight, in faith that God was going to work in our favor. The customer service person originally was going to charge us 400 dollars to extend our flight! We were NOT having that. After a few minutes of her putting us on hold, she came back and told us she was going to adjust our flight at NO additional costs. God is awesome! The next day we went to extend the rental car, and they were also giving us a hard time. They were trying to charge us 200 dollars extra!! After waiting with the customer service person to see what he could do, not only did we get our rental for no additional charge, they reduced the price significantly from its original cost, leaving us more than enough to cover food, etc. We were very excited and rejoiced in what God did for us.

Every one of our needs were met. And God is still in the business of meeting everyone's need and answering everyone's prayer, and setting all crooked things straight. Knowing this, we need not be troubled, but just receive God's peace that passes ALL our logical understanding of situations, let Him guard your mind and your heart. Know that He is using each of your situations to continue to prove His Awesomeness and sovereignity and Grace to us all, no matter how bad or weird it may seem at the moment.

Ephesians 4:6

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." - KJV

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns." - The Message

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."
- New Living Translation

"Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([b]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God." - Amplified

Take your unrest to God in prayer, He will bring clarity to your confusion. When your mind is constantly on the things of God, He will keep you in His perfect peace. That means despite the craziness, you will be stable, and not fall completely apart. Unlike the unsaved, we have Jesus whom we must hold on to tightly.

Isaiah 26:3 & 4

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee; because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength." - KJV

"You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]."
- Amplified

"You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock." - New Living Translation

"You, Lord, give true peace
to those who depend on you,
because they trust you.
o, trust the Lord always,
because he is our Rock forever." - New Century Version

Proverbs 3:5 & 6

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." - KJV

"Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success." - NCV

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." - Amplified

In closing sisters, I implore you to just allow God to drape His peace upon you. Pour out your hearts to Him, and He will give you strength. Enclosed is a song by Juanita Bynum called "Like the Dew". Let God rest upon you like the gentle morning rain.

"Like the dew in the morning
gently rest upon my heart
Like the dew in the morning
May it rest upon my heart.

Rest, we say rest,
Come on and rest, we say rest.

Reign, we say reign
Come on and reign,
We say reign
move, we say move,
Come on and move,
We say move

Rest, move, yes, rest, reign, move, yes, rest

Like the dew in the morning
gently rest upon my heart
Like the dew in the morning
May it rest upon my heart"
-Juanita Bynum

I pray sisters that you all walk with the King today & be a blessing. It is a privilege to minister to you all today.

In His Grip,
-©D

You Thought I Abandoned You? Hey All, I know you think I left you all and ran away. Well here are the long and short of things... - I'm hungry. There's nothing to eat in the house. - I am going Florida!! YES! I leave this Saturday. - I went shopping and got a bunch of new stuff. - Been hanging out with the bestie and my sorors. It's been good. - Made a chapter website >>> anqesrdoves.weebly.com Go see!!! - Re-did the regional myspace >>> myspace.com/anqempirestate Go see!! - Was temping for a while, and now doing nothing again. I will look at some jobs and apply. - I have a HORRIBLE summer cold. I hate them. - I'm going to be doing A LOT of traveling toward the end of summer/fall. Youth Camp, Sorority Chapter Retreat, personal vaca in Philly, West Virginia for Joe's birthday...a lot of traveling. Gotta make up for going NO WHERE for the past two years. Really, I do. - Not been sleeping well at all, and I don't like it. Ugh. - Went to the free gospel concert in Brooklyn. It's not as good as it used to be when Fred Hammond was the featured artist. Mary Mary & Tye weren't bad though. It's that act that was in the middle that was just mess... - Deciding if I should wait till tomorrow to go out shopping or just start today. I have to buy shorts/skirts. Cheap ones. I have NONE that fit. - Straightening my hair via blow out Friday. I haven't touched my hair in three months. Times are hard but it did my hair great. It's SO thick and pretty. It hasn't been this pretty since high school. Refer to pictures on my previous post to verify. SO pretty! And I love it. - I hope this trip relaxes me and I can approach life with a different prospective. I plan to live it up high on the hog while I am there. - Brown is okay, actually he's doing very well. He is into everything, doing everything, and being really good at it. Ministering even. My good Brown :). - Been performing at his open mic. www.WordUpFM.com (listen every other Friday for the open mic show) Singing and doing poems! Yes Poems! I know I NEVER read them. But I have, and its been really good. http://daluvelyladyl.blogspot.com/ <<< another shameless plug. - So I love my life right now, despite me being jobless. I am going to try and trust God more and more. - Although I need health insurance. Forreal. - Will speak later. -©D

End of Myself.

"Can You be the Light I need to-...soul search?"
 -SJP

I am at the end of myself. I have nothing left.

So broken.

-©D

Honest to God " 'Cause honest to God I....." So what happens when you're angry at God? And you piled so many other emotions and layers of stuff so you would refuse to acknowledge it?  You have been dishonest about it to Him and others, totally falsifying your relationship with Him. So God takes you through so many experiences, just so you can realize that you've been that angry at Him all these years so you can talk to Him about it. What do you do now? Do you have to forgive God? Even after you have said the "I'm sorry's", what do you do now? You know you don't want to feel this way, and you definately know you love Him. But where do you go from here? The image of God you had all this time was a false one. Did you ever know God? Did you ever know who He really is? What He is really capable of doing? How He can really work in your life? How faithful He really is? Did you ever know Him, knowing all that you did to keep your self away? To evade the truth you did not want to admit to Him? Did you ever know God? Did I ever know God? -©D

Consecration Notes These are some notes that I wrote for my sorority sisters when we fasted and consecrated to God this Wednesday (Yeah since we are a Christian sorority, we do stuff like that). I just wanted to share this with you all. I pray this blesses your heart. --- Greetings Ladies, I was asked by our Director of Ministries to expound on today's consecration theme "selfishness". I pray this helps you as you all focus on the King of Glory today. Walk with the King today & be a blessing. :) --- Selfishness vs Surrender Selfishness says: "God, I am going to this my way, at my time, how ever I want to. It doesn't matter how messed up my life is at this point, or how much better my life would be if I obey you. God I just don't understand it, and I don't like it, so I am not doing it. So there God!" And we run to our own devices, trying to figure out our own lives, because for some strange reason our finite minds seem to believe that our ideology is actually better than Gods. We probe and prod our issues with our own fixed inventions--inevitably, we realize that it does not work! But because of our rebellious selfish nature, we continue anyway. Hoping that one day that our ineffective method will actually work, but sisters that is actually the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over in order to expect different results. I have been here for several months ladies. For the past six months God was telling me to get on the floor and pray. Just lay there and talk to Him. "How absurd", I thought. "You God, are Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent. What is the difference between the bed and the floor? You can meet me right here in my warm, comfortable bed." So I resisted, for six months although I needed Him desperately. My health was failing, my finances were failing, people around me were failing, life was just one big epic fail. However, I believed that miraculously my defunct method would actually work and that one day my fifteen second prayer on my comfortable bed would actually produce a life changing experience with God. Yeah right. So, it took six months of life threatening, catestrophic events in my life to say..."Hmmm. Maybe I will lay on the floor tonight and pray." I spoke with the DOM prior to my decision to obey (finally), and she said she wanted me to expound on the theme of selfishness. It hit right home, and gave me confirmation. How selfish (and rebellious) I was for six months toward God, for the simplest request. I cared about my physical comfort at night, I liked being lazy, and I liked laying on my soft bed. Never mind that it would increase my relationship with God. My flesh was being satisfied. That is what mattered. Tonight, I laid out on the floor. Despite the excuses about the floor, the clutter on it, how late it was, etc. I doubted that God would even meet me on my clothing and paper cluttered carpet. I figured that life isn't getting any better, so might as well give it a try. I turned off the lights, laid on the ground. I felt kind of silly doing it, and I could hear doubt and fear mocking my gesture, saying nothing will happen. Immediately, the presence of God met me on the floor and I began to cry softly as I sang a part of Third Day's song (Christian Rock Group) 'God of Wonders'. I could not think of anything else about how good He was, and how He is just absolutely worthy of the praise. "Wow Jesus, you really met me here", I thought, surprised. I was so ashamed that I fought so long with God over something so stupid. If I had obey and surrendered to His will sooner, I am positive that the struggles I am currently going through would not be as burdensome. Surrender says: "God, I am going to do this Your way, anytime You want me to, however You want me to. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not God. I believe in You and Your sovereignty. I realize by obeying You my life will be enhanced, although I do not understand I trust You and I will do it. Have Your way God." Remember, sometimes God asks us to do the most simple, ordinary, and maybe even obscure things like speaking to the random person on the train, or hugging a coworker, or writing a thank you note to a friend. It may not make the most sense to you, but obey. He thinks good thoughts toward you, its better than sacrifice, and it preserves you from additional struggles that come by rebelling. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) God thinks good thoughts about us sisters, and the things He requires us to do is only to strengthen our characters, bring us closer to Him, and open the gateway for increase in blessings. Never mind it may be hard or unorthodox. Obeying is only helping us in the long run. "Samuel said, Has the Lord as great a delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams." 1 Samuel 15:22 (Amplified) Although I was still praying, I wasn't doing it the way God asked me to. He's not as interested in the works or the "burnt offerings and sacrifices" as much as He is in your absolute surrender. To obey Him (or hearken) is better then wealth (fat of rams or a heard of cows) itself. "And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes." Luke 12:47 (KJV) Lastly, I need to issue you all a warning. We are servants of the King, are expected to obey. When we do not prepare to obey, or decide not to obey flat out, we are opening ourselves for punishment from God. That does not necessarily mean that God is going to allow massive disarray into your life. For example, in my life, the stress and the doubt that I have experienced in my life could have been lessened or completely eradicated if I had obeyed. By not obeying and being rebellious, God could not act on my behalf (the actual punishment), and it made it easier for the enemy to attack me the way he did. Make sure you close every opening through obedience in effort to over come the enemy's devices for your life. We must make sure he is defeated at all times. Praise God for deliverance! This is what God wanted me to say to you all. I pray that it blessed and encouraged you. [Insert Real Name Here] Public Relations Manager Alpha Nu Omega Sorority, Incorporated. Empire State Region Alumni DS DaySpring - #1ESRSU07 - Jewel -©D

Recent Randoms - I know I haven't updated since my grandmother's passing. Man. So here's a bunch of randoms until I feel really emo and want a place to vent. - Going to the beach at night is frickin' awesome. (LOL) No seriously. It's so much cooler, and so beautiful. I recommend it. I plan to do that a lot this summer. - I prayed for a work out partner, and up out of no where my best friend relocates to New York for a brief period of time. Super! I love Colletta, and I can't wait to work out with her and introduce her to my sorors and etc. Seeing her is a breath of fresh air. It just feels good to see your best friend after not seeing her for five months and then a year prior. - My mother turned 50 this Sunday. She doesn't look it, and I'm not surprised. I still don't look 26, or even 25. I am hoping the youthfulness continues to show out when I get where she is. - Still on the job hunt. It's retarded how everyone around me is getting hired and rehired with the quickness.  I mean I am very happy for them, but...Ugh, it's really frustrating that I have been unemployed for almost a year (not counting the rat job) and still haven't been hired. - My best friend is here, and that makes it a whole lot better to deal. I need to reiterate that. It's okay that I have to dodge bullets (kidding?) when seeing her in Brownsville, Brooklyn, but I am happy to do it. - I have to get to praying. I mean more intensely. Life is intense right now, and I am lacking motivation. I need God to help me. - Brown is doing well, and still loving me -- praise God. - I don't know but God is still good. I can tell you this much, I have been unemployed all this time, and never had to cut my uber expensive phone (and bill) off. Never. God is awesome like that. That little miracle keeps me going. It reminds me that God is still looking out and taking care of me. - My room isn't so bad anymore. Just have a pile of stuff from sheer laziness. - Okay, I don't know what the crap happened to my glasses. I gotta stop doing this.... - Maybe I have to improve on how I interview, or something.... - I just made a flyer for Joe's radio show. Here it is: - Goals for the summer entail: Losing 25 lbs. Reading 15 books. (I used to read five in a week) Getting this license. (I did really well driving on the highway two days ago) Getting my passport. Getting a good job. So yeah, I think I am going to turn in at this point. I may just put up an ad on craigslist advertising flyers and resumes and see how that goes. -©D

I know I have to stop doing these. For whatever reason, I don't have the zeal to write, and maybe I feel that if I open up more and more blog sites (which I have done) it would inspire me to write, to reach out the the community, to spill my feelings out unto the weblog. But lately, I have had as much inspiration as much as a pig has perspiration. Forreal.
Nada, zero, zilch.

Here are the dabblings that I dribbled on xanga for the past month or so. I hope they are enjoyable.

Love you all.

PS Tee is the only one who responds to me on this thing anyway. That sucks major, and is probably the reason why I don't come here as often.

---

Finally. I changed my layout entirely. Take a look, let me know what you think. It reflects where I am right now, and what I truly desire. I need a visitation from the true DaySpring, I need a refreshing from the Father. I need to be revived. Sometimes, I feel dead inside. Other times, I feel weak, fake, broken. I...have come to the severe realization that I really can't do this on my own, not even if I tried with all my might. Which of course, I am actually doing. The world about me is crashing. It seems like the foundation that I built wasn't soild...Rock, that is. I am slowly learning some of the things God has been trying to get me to learn for the past maybe 10 years. Man, I'm hard headed. Side Bar: Being tested for cancer isn't a walk in the park. I have been in PAIN for the past two days. These doctors I tell you. They must find my collection of physical inadequacies so amusing. IBS decided to join hands with the pain from the test and terrorize me. Other than church, I have confined myself to my bed. Every time I eat it hurts. A whole freaking lot. The doctors told me that I should get LAP Band surgery, ME of all people. Wrote a referral, signed it and handed it to me. Just like that. Telling me the OTHER condition I have, I won't ever stop gaining weight. That if I ate nothing at all, I would STILL gain weight. They also said try Weight Watchers. Ha. All this and I lose my job! Yeah. I know. I just got it. They could not afford to pay us (or get rid of the rats, turn on the hot water, etc), so they cut two thirds of the staff, me included. On top of that, Unemployment says I have ONE week left of this stuff. It's a wrap. So I am stressed to beans. I need some sort of intervention quick fast in a hurry, or I am going to be in a lot of trouble. I need money. I need health insurance. I need my health. Yeah. Help. After I have worked so hard to try to do this all on my own, I realize I cannot. I can't do anything to help this situation, except trust God and pray. I know He's God, and He didn't bring me this far to leave me. He's said too much to me about myself and my future to bail out and leave me now. It's all a matter of time. Finally. -©D

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Currently Reading Pimsleur Haitian Creole: Learn to Speak and Understand Haitian Creole with Pimsleur Language Programs (Simon & Scuster's Pimsleur) By Pimsleur see related Drawing Board:Early Sketches So here I am again. I was going to write a blog agonizing about how Monday hurt, Tuesday and especially Wednesday hurt. Thursday hurt too, but not so bad. I think Wednesday hurt the most. But, I dunno. It may not help me or my situation as much as it would provide a crutch for my issues. I can say this. My boyfriend (read:future husband) has proved excellent during this time of despair. He has done all he can to help me through this mayhem. Even take me golfing. Yeah, golfing. It was really fun. But the best of all is when he held me and prayed when I was crying too much to even open up my mouth and pray for myself. Awesome. I serve an awesome God. I am falling asleep. NyQull is kicking in and I can barely type. Nite. -©D

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I Need Another Job I realize everyone's life path is different for a reason. I just haven't realized why I have mine. I think I deserve something better. I have been awarded nothing but stress in the past six months. My job has a rat infestation and hasn't done much about it. Although I haven't seen a rat physically, I have heard plenty about it. I swear if I see one I am going home and not coming back. And that isn't the half of what is going on in that zoo. I think I need a new job. Coming home every night after 8 for a measly pay check is definately not the will of God. Ugh. -©D

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Currently Listening This Moment By Steven Curtis Chapman Be Still see related Be Still 2 "Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is holy Be still, O restless soul of mine Bow before the Prince of peace Let the noise and clamor cease Be still Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is faithful Consider all that he has done Stand in awe and be amazed And know that He will never change Be still Be still and know that he is God Be still and know he is our Father Come rest your head upon his breast Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love Beating for His little ones Calling each of us to come Be still..."                               - Steven Curtis Chapman Despite how I feel about myself God, you have called me to things greater. Despite the diseases that are trying to attack my body. Despite the words that has been hurled at me. Despite the character flaws. Despite the evil spoken against me, by those who know You. Despite the attacks on my reputation. I am going to hold still. Be still and know who you are. You are God. -©D

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Currently Listening Let Your Glory Fall By Phillips Craig & Dean You Are God Alone see related Be Still "You are God alone From before time began You were on Your throne Your are God alone And right now In the good times and bad You are on Your throne You are God alone"                     - Phillips, Craig, & Dean In times when people are not on your side, and not on my side particularly, and validation is not coming to me the way I want it to...I look to the true validator--God. He's God alone. He is the vindicator. The Person who has the last say. In the end. This is Who He is. God alone. And I am going to rest in that.

-©D